Another Fairy Tale

The fairy tale of friendship has been on my mind late. You may ask, why is it a fairy tale? I think what would explain it best is it is supposed to have that whole happily ever after ending. I have known for a long time that I seem to hold high standards for people concerned to be my friends. I wish I could be more like my husband. He has so many friends as he calls them. He has told me before that he has all kinds of friends. Some that he trusts to be themselves, like liars and back stabbers and such. That is mind boggling to me. I know a lot of people but they are not called my friends. I personally don't like to hang out with people that I thought would stab me in the back. The definition of a friends to me is someone I enjoy to be around. Someone that I trust. Someone that can be honest and be there for me. To me a friend is as close as family. Someone that you would do anything for and they would do anything for you. I have always longed to have that group of friends that you call when you need them and could always count on them being there for you and such. I would love to know that there is someone that i can always call when I need to talk or bounce ideas off of. A group that would be there for me no matter how stupid I got and such. I saw that movie "Women" and that movie was a perfect example of friendship that I wish I could have. I do have a friend and I actually think of her as a best friend. I got to have a little taste of such close friendship when I was a teenager and lived in Mississippi. We are still very close. It is has hard to be there for one another like we would like, but she means everything to me. She is always honest with me. She will tell me what she thinks and her opinion even if she feels it's not what I want to hear. She has never tried to stab me in the back either. She is like my sister and she is as close as one too. Unfortunately for me, she is not around very much and I can't really count on her to be here for me and it's hard to talk to her most times. However, she is the best I have still. I have been doing more thinking on this though. I am going to try to handle friends sort of like my husband. Don't get me wrong, I still don't think it is very wise to hang out with people that are deceitful and such but maybe a variation of people. I am not much of an out going person so it's harder for me to make friends, but I am giving it a go. I don't know how many people actually have friends like you see in the movies thus my thinking of fairy tales. I do know that I have to give people a chance in order to make these close friends. Anyway, just some thoughts, I wanted to put down.

Pissing in the Wind!

I just want to write a bit about one of the double standers and in justice to women. I don't know why but the last few days it has really set a burr in me. How right is it for a young woman to give her all. To love and faithful to a man and do all that is expected and then some, only to be left for some younger hotter model. Where is the loyalty and love for the one that has stood by you through thick and then. Not to mention most likely putting her life to the side so that her family can have they want and need. Here is one that has really got me going right now. The statement was made to me lately that, "I feel I do what is required." What the hell man! What if I only did what was required? I guess because I was born a female that it is up to me to keep the romance and spice going in a relationship. What is it worth to a woman to stay with a man and give her best, only to expect the minimum and to be left for someone else? For me personally, I try to be frisky and flirty with my husband to just get a shoulder or the not so interested look. Lord forbid the TV or computer is on. Now, I do know that my hormones and my husbands are different, surprisingly so. I have never met a man before my husband that wasn't end the mood most all the time. Anyway, that's beside the point. My point is that why do I continue to flirt and stuff, just to play alone. I love to be flirty and stuff and I swear my husband was not schooled in that art at all. If we, as women, try to keep our husbands attention by flirting and "doing what is required." for it to be for no avail then why beat our heads against the wall? Why should we expected to try so hard and it's ok for them to just do what's required. Is it because its so acceptable for them just to get another model? Why not the man work to keep the woman happy and satisfied? I don't think it should be so one sided. I think if we are supposed to worry about another woman coming in and taking what we can't handle then it should be the same for a man. I am really just fuming because sometimes this double standard crap really gets on my nerves. I believe it's time for the men to step up to the plate, but I don't see it happening. So I will go on pissing in the wind I guess.

A gift for myself!

It was pointed out to me recently that I have been trying to change almost all year. Well, I am proud to say that I am starting to see some results. It's not easy to change certain things about yourself that is like second nature to you. I am making head way one step at a time and I am most determined to be successful. I am doing it for me and for all of my relationships. I am tired of my happiness being robbed by worry and being so suspicious. Trust is a big deal to me and a big issue. I would love to be able to just hand over my heart and walk away, but I just can't. I have been trying to control the situations around me for so long, in the hopes of preventing pain, that is consuming my life. I don't enjoy the now and the ride along the way because I am to worried about the could be and what if's. I have a wonderful husband and family. I need to do this for them as well. It can only help my mental state and help my relationships with them. My husband has done wonders on the healing of my heart for the past six years. No man has ever loved me enough to take the time to help me and be there for me. No one has tried as hard to understand me and it only makes me love him that much more. I am starting to feel better about myself. I am making myself stretch out of my comfort zone. I am making some new friends. I am taking a more active position in a personal life of my own and one to share with my family. With the help of my medication and support of my family, I am learning to trust more and worry less. I would love for it to happen over night, but I know it is going to take some time. Time is so mean. It is either going by so fast or running to slow. I have been losing weight and that is helping with my self esteem and confidence. I am starting to connect more with the girl that I used to be. I was more fun and liked to joke. I had such a dirty mind and perverted. I have suppressed that for so long, but not anymore. Just a lot of little things like that, which are really making difference in a small way. I am really excited and scared at the same time. I just want to be a happier person and learn to enjoy my life and those I love more. I have to learn to accept that things are going to happen where I want them to or not. It sounds pretty simply huh. Well, not for me. It's hard for me to trust someone else with my heart. My husband for instance, I trust him with life and with our children's lives, but my heart is a different story. I realized though that I wasn't giving myself or him very much credit. I feel I am smarter that than and he is not so dumb. I do believe that I can learn to be more accepting. I am determined to live my life to the fullest and be happy! Merry Christmas to Me!

My epiphany!

Some people can go right to sleep when they hit the pillow. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people. When I lay down my brain clicks on. This when I had my epiphany. It dawned on me one night how much time I actually spend in the past. I spend time there going over and over things and have a hard time moving on and leaving things there where they belong. Some how in thinking of all of these things I got an image of a painting. I am going to paint this and use it as a self portrait. Of course I will make the girl in the painting skinner and better looking. This is the just of it though. When you look at the painting you will see a girl walking away but looking over her shoulder with a look of fear. She will have a shadow, but this shadow will be larger than she is and take on a monster type outline. I am not sure of what my surroundings will be but they will be foggy. The girl is me obviously and the shadow represents the past. Thus, the reason of fear on the girls face and the shadow having a monster outline. The fog is the future. I personally think it's a great idea. I am going to hang this where I can see it every day and hopefully not do it so much. I think it will be therapeutic.

My Daughter

When I was 19, as most young adults, I thought I was grown and knew all I needed to. I went through quite a few things at that age and looking back a lot of changes that we just don't see at that point in our life. Against the pleading of my parents to wait, I married my first husband at the age of 19 and right away got pregnant with my first child. To be honest I was more ready for the child than marriage. However, knowing that I had made a big mistake with the man a chose, I was determine that it would be alright. Looking back I was really foolish and really naive. Anyway, after a horrible pregnancy, my daughter was born. I don't think any of us really realize how much our lives are changed at that moment. Don't get me wrong. I was never a party girl or any kind. I guess I was more like a goody two shoe girl than anything. When in fact it was the fact that I was scared to death of my dad so I stayed out of trouble. However my down fall was a boy. That was the start of my dumbness, but that is another story. Back to my daughter. She was beautiful and perfect, as most mother's think. I knew right away that she had inherited her mother's strong will. It's hard to describe that feeling that you have when you hold your children for the first time, especially a mother. It truly is a wonder and blessing to carry a child inside of you and the next holding them in your arms. The love you hold is so over whelming. My daughter is now 13 and 14 in a couple of months. It's kind of cruel how fast time fly. I try not to think about those times, which come often lately, that I want to send her back to her maker. Have you ever been watching TV or maybe just outside enjoying the day and then all of a sudden you find yourself looking at your children and staring into the past. You wonder where the time went. You wonder at how far they have come and what you have to look forward to. I have caught myself doing that some lately with my daughter especially. Besides the fact that we look so much alike, she has quite a few of my characteristics, most dominate would be the strong will I think. She over whelms me with feelings however. I feel scared, blessed, puzzlement, happiness, and yes sometimes rage. I get the normal feelings and thoughts of what I was going through when I was her age. Mostly though, I live in a state of fear. I feel like I know more than most about the monsters that are out there. Unfortunately, these fears eat me up where she is concerned. I have to trust her enough to let her make choices and to have friends and freedoms. I have to believe that she will make good choices and you use her common sense. I am ashamed to say that she is well aware of some of my fears. I truly try not to hold her back, but it is getting harder the older she is getting. I wasn't much older than her when I feel hard for a boy. We dated all through high school and I knew he was the one and that we would get married. Its things like the fact that she has more guy friends than girls. Just like I have always been. I used to not think anything of it till I was date raped by one of my friends when I was a senior. This was back when they didn't encourage you so hard to tell someone. This really messed me up for a while. I have not shared that experience with my daughter and I don't intend to until she is going out more on her own. I have however talked her about being aware of her surroundings. I have spoke to her about being so trusting. She knows how much I fear that someone will take them and such. I keep them both aware of the latest tricks that pervs use to get children. Do you remember when we were kids we could ride our bikes all over the neighborhood and our parents didn't have to worry. We could go the toy isles and play and wish while our parents got groceries and such. We didn't worry about someone snatching you in the store our kids on the side of the road. Yeah, I am sure it happened but not as much as now. So many children are kid napped and abused now that it terrifies me. My children, as most, are so trusting. It would only take someone with a puppy to get my daughter. By the way, she knows that trick too. My problem is keeping fears to myself and not giving her reason not to confide in me. I try not to be over protective, but Cody says I suck at it. All I can say to him is that you don't understand. My innocence was taken from me more than once in my life and both by people whom I was supposed to trust. I have taken pride in doing what ever it took for my children not to be touched my that kind of thing. I am sure all parents feel much of the same, but I don't feel like they are obsessive about it as I am. This kind of thing literally haunts me. I find that the older she gets and more independent the worse it gets. Lord, what will I do when she starts dating and going out with friends. I wonder some times, will I survive the fear that eats at me. There is one thing that amazes me and keeps me hopeful. I look and watch her and feel wonder. I ask myself, " Is that what I would be like if I had had a normal childhood?" I like to believe so. I am thankful that the most trauma that my children have gone through was divorce and the lose of loved ones to death. I made sure that they did not have to grow up fast. I have made sure that they were able to be kids and not have the worries of an adult. So yes, I see myself in my daughter as I should have been. This fact keeps me hopeful. She is a very loving person, but I think she is very level headed. She has adopted some of my more important rules, such as no one is to hit me. She is very independent and she carries fierceness, as I have most of my life. I may not could have kicked your butt, but I would make you think I could. She is a lot like that. She feels that if someone tries to get her that she would kick their butt. I at least feel like she would make a good effort at it. The bottom line is that my daughter may be the death of me yet. My love for her is even more powerful than the first moment I held her. It is so scary the power of that love.

Guess What!

The waves have receded some where I can walk along the shore. I am have some of the best news. Cody and I have acquired a trailer which is going to be put next to my grandma's. We got a sweet deal on it. We won't be able to move in right away because we still need the sewage and electric pole and such. This is a good step forward though. Getting a trailer was the main hurtle. Now we can work on getting the rest. Things are actually falling into place though. Between all of the people that we know we have quite a few connections that are helping us out. I am so excited though. We are finally going to have a place of our own and we won't have to move again. The kids will not have to change schools either. They are quite happy about that. They didn't want to move to Jonesboro or leave their friends. I wasn't looking forward to driving back and forth but I would if it mean we could all be together. We are also hoping that cody can get an AGR job that is coming up in Ruston. It would be just what we need. He would be working full time military and we wouldn't have to move. I tell you I haven't been this happy and excited in a long time. I look forward to working on the place and moving in. I will keep everyone posted.

More Waves, take II!

Imagine that you are trying to get out of the water and the waves just keep knocking you down. That is how I feel. Once again cody has a possibility of a better job, only to be shot down. Not to mention that he has had to move back to live with his Mom in another town, away from the rest of his family. I am thankful for my in-laws. I am so blessed in that area. I am glad that they are able to help us. Anyway, now he is working two jobs again. He transferred to the store in Jonesboro and working part time with his Dad too. We are thinking about trying to find a place in Jonesboro to live since the cost of living in cheaper there. It will just suck for me and the kids because my job is in monroe and the school they like is there too. We are both so scared and unease of our moves because we don't know what to do and don't want to make a mistake. We both don't want him to volunteer to go to Iraq unless it is all we have left. But we are so close to that point. Now, just let me write a minute about spite. I got up enough courage to call my Aunt and Uncle, who own my great grandmother's house. It has been rotting down for a year. I called to ask them to sale it to me. She told me that she would sell it for 125,000. I told her that I didn't think it would appraise for that much and she said she knew that but that is what she would sell it to me for. Before he and my grandmother split it it was worth a total of 72,000. She only told me that because she knows how much it means to me. I pray that I am alive to see her suffer for what she has done to my family and how she has treated us. My grandparents told everyone that the kids and I were to have that place and they know it. They had faith that their kids would do the right thing. Boy, has my uncle been a disappointment. If they would do what was right then my family wouldn't be where we are now. I pray I get to see their just reward. Anyway, I am trying to get my head on straight and get my family back together and back to some what of a normal state. I will keep you posted. I have to go for now. I will try to write again soon and I hope to have some good news.